I totally just caught my husband in a lie! And my stomach feels sick! It is not a big lie and actually, it doesn't really matter what he lied about. The thing is that he lied! He doesn't tell the whopper kind of lies, just the little white lies. I have called him on it a couple of times, not really lieing I guess, just stretching the truth. He is taking a client out and I heard him on the phone with them earlier and he said that they would meet up at the church and follow each other from there to go look at some houses. He just left and I asked him what car he was taking, he said the van because they were bringing their kid and they were going to just put him in the booster and go from there. I have been thinking about this moment from when I overheard him earlier. I wanted to know what he was going to do. The lie itself isn't the issue. I don't like the lack of integrity, and if he can lie about something as stupid as which car he is taking, what else can he lie about? I don't care if he takes the van really, but don't lie to me, tell me the truth. I feel like I need to address it when he comes home, but I don't know how!
Yuck, that is how I feel right now. Actually, the whole thing makes me want to cry!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Attacked
Lately work has had a really weird vibe. The weird thing is that last week it had a really good, upbeat vibe and now, yuck!!!! I have a sweet friend who works with me and she has been such a spiritual mentor, especially lately. I have been talking with her about my marriage issues and we pray together and give each other verses and devotionals that seem to fit what we have been talking about. It has been such a sweet time with her and I know that is exactly why God has brought her back into my life. I have even shared with her how my desire is to be at home, not necessarily full time, but more than I am now. I want to be a wife and a mom and not the breadwinner. That is one of the sore spots in my marriage right now, something that I have finally told my husband after holding it in for about 3 years now!
When I was talking with her the other day about feeling attacked and insecure at work, she have marvelous words of wisdom for me that brought me such comfort. You see, I like my job and love what I do, but my heart wants to be at home. So Satan started attacking me at work, making me feel insecure about my performance, occupying my mind worrying about what a co-worker is doing or appears to be trying to do. She pointed out that since my heart wants to be at home, Satan is trying to destroy my securities at work, to make me feel not only worthless at home, because I want to be there more than I am, but also to make me think that in order to do a good job at work, I have to be there more, be more competitive, worry about what other people are appearing to do. It totally made sense to me and light was shed on that darkness.
I will not let Satan have the foot hole. I know that no matter what God has a plan for me. If it is to keep working and someone to leap frog me, so be it. If it means that my co-worker gets more attention because she is the squeaky wheel, so be it. If it means that God removes me from this employment, where my schedule is about as flexible as they come, so be it. I know that He will take care of me, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
When I was talking with her the other day about feeling attacked and insecure at work, she have marvelous words of wisdom for me that brought me such comfort. You see, I like my job and love what I do, but my heart wants to be at home. So Satan started attacking me at work, making me feel insecure about my performance, occupying my mind worrying about what a co-worker is doing or appears to be trying to do. She pointed out that since my heart wants to be at home, Satan is trying to destroy my securities at work, to make me feel not only worthless at home, because I want to be there more than I am, but also to make me think that in order to do a good job at work, I have to be there more, be more competitive, worry about what other people are appearing to do. It totally made sense to me and light was shed on that darkness.
I will not let Satan have the foot hole. I know that no matter what God has a plan for me. If it is to keep working and someone to leap frog me, so be it. If it means that my co-worker gets more attention because she is the squeaky wheel, so be it. If it means that God removes me from this employment, where my schedule is about as flexible as they come, so be it. I know that He will take care of me, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Putting it Together
God is so awesome! He is such a God of order and wonder it amazes me. I was working on my Step Study for CR and realized that God has pulled back my layer of anxiety to reveal my selfishness. Yuck!!!! I am not one of those outwardly selfish people, the kind that just slaps you in the face. I think that I am more of the silent selfish type, you know, the really dangerous kind! I think I am being all nice and submissive, when in reality I am trying to figure out a way to get my way or to be right. My husband once pointed it out and I just dismissed it. He said that I always wanted things my way.
A couple of situations have come up that have made me realize this. One being my SIL with cancer, and how it "messes" up our schedule. How cold is that!!! The other has really been evident in dealing with my husband and wanting everything my way or for my benefit. Umm, hello, it is not all about ME!!!!! I think a lot of my anxiety was because of this selfishness, wanting things my way and worrying if they would go my way or not. And then when they didn't, freaking out!
Not only did God reveal that to me, but I am also doing a Bible Study with a friend about character transformation and the first study is on humility. It is really hard to be humble when you are so selfish. Then when doing my step study, the last question was about humility. God is for sure doing a number on me, but I will take it and I will take the blessings that will be waiting for me on the other side. I truly feel like the metal in the white hot fire, where all of the impurities are starting to show, but they will be washed away and what will be left will be more beautiful than what was there before.
A couple of situations have come up that have made me realize this. One being my SIL with cancer, and how it "messes" up our schedule. How cold is that!!! The other has really been evident in dealing with my husband and wanting everything my way or for my benefit. Umm, hello, it is not all about ME!!!!! I think a lot of my anxiety was because of this selfishness, wanting things my way and worrying if they would go my way or not. And then when they didn't, freaking out!
Not only did God reveal that to me, but I am also doing a Bible Study with a friend about character transformation and the first study is on humility. It is really hard to be humble when you are so selfish. Then when doing my step study, the last question was about humility. God is for sure doing a number on me, but I will take it and I will take the blessings that will be waiting for me on the other side. I truly feel like the metal in the white hot fire, where all of the impurities are starting to show, but they will be washed away and what will be left will be more beautiful than what was there before.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Did Your Husband See You?
When I got to work today, my girlfriend commented on how good I looked. I was glad, because I felt the same way, I was wearing a new dress and had accessorized a little sass into it! I also felt good in it, I felt like that baby weight that I am still holding on to was nicely disguised and the shape and cut flattered my figure nicely. Then she asked, did your husband see you this morning? Another co-worker commented on this, to the tune of, he should have said, you are going to be late to your meeting....
The thing is, my husband did see me this morning and I actually had to ask him if my outfit looked okay. When I got back to my office, I was kind of upset and then God softened my heart. You see, my husband didn't really notice me this morning and I think that I know why. We are going through some tough times right now in our marriage. I think that the Holy Spirit is really working on both of us. When I talk to people about it, they seem scared for us, or hesitant, but it actually excites me. You see, I know that going through this now means that when we make it through, our marriage will be better because of it.
So, why didn't he notice? Well, I think that he is being worked over by the Holy Spirit. I have been brutally honest with him lately (something I don't always do, you see, I am a people pleaser) and I think that it is hitting a nerve. I think he is realizing that some of the things that I am saying are right and he needs to do something about them. It is really hard to compliment someone who is right, when you know that by them being right, you are wrong. I don't doubt that he loves me or thinks that I am beautiful, but I think that he is really struggling with the junk in his life.
Don't worry, the Holy Spirit is doing a number on me too! And girl, it is not the most fun thing!
The thing is, my husband did see me this morning and I actually had to ask him if my outfit looked okay. When I got back to my office, I was kind of upset and then God softened my heart. You see, my husband didn't really notice me this morning and I think that I know why. We are going through some tough times right now in our marriage. I think that the Holy Spirit is really working on both of us. When I talk to people about it, they seem scared for us, or hesitant, but it actually excites me. You see, I know that going through this now means that when we make it through, our marriage will be better because of it.
So, why didn't he notice? Well, I think that he is being worked over by the Holy Spirit. I have been brutally honest with him lately (something I don't always do, you see, I am a people pleaser) and I think that it is hitting a nerve. I think he is realizing that some of the things that I am saying are right and he needs to do something about them. It is really hard to compliment someone who is right, when you know that by them being right, you are wrong. I don't doubt that he loves me or thinks that I am beautiful, but I think that he is really struggling with the junk in his life.
Don't worry, the Holy Spirit is doing a number on me too! And girl, it is not the most fun thing!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
CR Chip
The way Celebrate Recovery works is that they hand out chips for things that you want to work on. Then, you celebrate anniversaries of being free of the issue. For me, I got my first chip on Monday, January 19th, my second CR meeting. I am committed to working on my anxiety, digging deeper and trying to be the best Erin that God has in mind!
Monday, February 2, 2009
In the Beginning
I have started Celebrate Recovery to deal with my anxiety. I am very interested to see what will come out as God and I set out to peel back the layers and get to the root of the issue. My first meeting was Saturday and I can already tell that it is going to be awesome and hard all at the same time. I am not a crier, but I cried. I could really feel the Holy Spirit working and the tears cleansing me. It is okay to not have it all together. It is okay that things need to change. It is okay to be scared. As much as I want to deal with my anxiety, I don't want to deal with it.
The first step is denial and since I just got the books, I had not done the "homework." But as I flipped through the book, it said that one of the side effects of denial is anxiety. Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks! I wonder what I am denying? Then the first two questions were about control. What do you feel like you have control over and what do you feel is out of control. Wow, again! I feel like that is when my anxiety really kicks in, when I feel like I don't have control. I try to control everything and really, all I can control is my actions, choices, reactions and thoughts. That is it! And even then, some of those get out of control! One of the girls was saying that when her inside was out of control, that is when her outside looked like it was all under control. That really resonated with me, is that what I am doing?
This will be an interesting journey and I hope that this gives you encouragement!
The first step is denial and since I just got the books, I had not done the "homework." But as I flipped through the book, it said that one of the side effects of denial is anxiety. Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks! I wonder what I am denying? Then the first two questions were about control. What do you feel like you have control over and what do you feel is out of control. Wow, again! I feel like that is when my anxiety really kicks in, when I feel like I don't have control. I try to control everything and really, all I can control is my actions, choices, reactions and thoughts. That is it! And even then, some of those get out of control! One of the girls was saying that when her inside was out of control, that is when her outside looked like it was all under control. That really resonated with me, is that what I am doing?
This will be an interesting journey and I hope that this gives you encouragement!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
