Putting it Together

God is so awesome! He is such a God of order and wonder it amazes me. I was working on my Step Study for CR and realized that God has pulled back my layer of anxiety to reveal my selfishness. Yuck!!!! I am not one of those outwardly selfish people, the kind that just slaps you in the face. I think that I am more of the silent selfish type, you know, the really dangerous kind! I think I am being all nice and submissive, when in reality I am trying to figure out a way to get my way or to be right. My husband once pointed it out and I just dismissed it. He said that I always wanted things my way.

A couple of situations have come up that have made me realize this. One being my SIL with cancer, and how it "messes" up our schedule. How cold is that!!! The other has really been evident in dealing with my husband and wanting everything my way or for my benefit. Umm, hello, it is not all about ME!!!!! I think a lot of my anxiety was because of this selfishness, wanting things my way and worrying if they would go my way or not. And then when they didn't, freaking out!

Not only did God reveal that to me, but I am also doing a Bible Study with a friend about character transformation and the first study is on humility. It is really hard to be humble when you are so selfish. Then when doing my step study, the last question was about humility. God is for sure doing a number on me, but I will take it and I will take the blessings that will be waiting for me on the other side. I truly feel like the metal in the white hot fire, where all of the impurities are starting to show, but they will be washed away and what will be left will be more beautiful than what was there before.

Did Your Husband See You?

When I got to work today, my girlfriend commented on how good I looked. I was glad, because I felt the same way, I was wearing a new dress and had accessorized a little sass into it! I also felt good in it, I felt like that baby weight that I am still holding on to was nicely disguised and the shape and cut flattered my figure nicely. Then she asked, did your husband see you this morning? Another co-worker commented on this, to the tune of, he should have said, you are going to be late to your meeting....

The thing is, my husband did see me this morning and I actually had to ask him if my outfit looked okay. When I got back to my office, I was kind of upset and then God softened my heart. You see, my husband didn't really notice me this morning and I think that I know why. We are going through some tough times right now in our marriage. I think that the Holy Spirit is really working on both of us. When I talk to people about it, they seem scared for us, or hesitant, but it actually excites me. You see, I know that going through this now means that when we make it through, our marriage will be better because of it.

So, why didn't he notice? Well, I think that he is being worked over by the Holy Spirit. I have been brutally honest with him lately (something I don't always do, you see, I am a people pleaser) and I think that it is hitting a nerve. I think he is realizing that some of the things that I am saying are right and he needs to do something about them. It is really hard to compliment someone who is right, when you know that by them being right, you are wrong. I don't doubt that he loves me or thinks that I am beautiful, but I think that he is really struggling with the junk in his life.

Don't worry, the Holy Spirit is doing a number on me too! And girl, it is not the most fun thing!